


House of 1,000 Hazzards

by The_Rifleman



Category: House of 1000 Corpses (Movies), The Dukes of Hazzard (TV)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-10
Updated: 2016-10-10
Packaged: 2018-08-20 14:51:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,627
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8253076
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Rifleman/pseuds/The_Rifleman
Summary: The Duke boys find themselves spending an evening with the Firefly clan during a trip down to Texas. Rated M for some language, violence, and sexual situations.





	1. Chapter 1

February 13, 1978

Cousins Bo and Luke Duke were on their way back to Hazzard County, Georgia after having just spent the weekend in Austin, Texas checking out a new racetrack that had just been built there, when all of a sudden they found themselves caught in a torrential downpour on some backwoods road somewhere in south-east Texas. It was about nine o' clock at night and the boys were driving in their usual orange 1969 Dodge Charger with 01 painted on both sides and a confederate flag painted on the roof, which was known to most folks as The General Lee. The General handled great in pretty much all weather conditions, even heavy rain like it was in now which made the dirt road it was travelling on into a slick, muddy mess. Bo Duke, the one driving The General, who was tall and thin with thick, light-blonde hair and baby blue eyes, was being especially careful with his beloved car and was driving much slower than he normally would have prefered to. Luke, who was shorter and more muscular than his cousin, and who had dark hair and eyes, sat in the passenger seat with his arms folded and a frown on his face.

"I told you a storm was comin'," he said to Bo. "We should have left Austin this mornin', then we wouldn't have gotten caught up in it. Now here we are lost in the rain."

"We ain't lost," said Bo, defensively. "The clown back at that gas station said that if we take this road down about half a mile this-a-way we'll hit the highway, then we'll head North on that and be away from this storm in no time."

"That is if you don't drive us into a ditch first," said Luke.

Bo didn't answer, he just gave his cousin a quick, annoyed look, and then focused his attention back on the road. Even with the windshield wipers on high and his brights on it was still difficult to see what was up ahead.

"Hey, what is that?" he said, suddenly. He pointed ahead at what appeared to be a person standing by the side of the road about ten yards away.

"I'd think by now you'd know what a girl looks like," said Luke.

Bo looked at his cousin and then again up ahead. Sure enough, it was a girl. A young girl. Maybe twenty-two, with long, curly, blonde hair, who was wearing a long brown coat and a straw cowboy hat. She was holding an umbrella above her head, though it clearly wasn't doing her any good, because she was soaking wet.

"Oh, we gotta pick her up," said Bo, and Luke nodded in agreement.

As soon as they pulled up next to the woman, Luke rolled his window down.

"Hey, darlin', you need a ride?" he asked.

"Love one," said the girl. She had a high-pitched, childlike voice.

The doors on The General Lee were welded shut, so Luke had to climb out the window and then help the girl to climb in. By the time she was settled in the back seat and he was back in the passenger seat, he was as wet as she was.

"Hi, I'm Bo Duke, and this is my cousin, Luke Duke," said Bo, looking back and giving the girl a big grin.

"You can call me Baby; Baby Firefly," said the girl.

"So where to, Baby? asked Bo.

"My house is just up the road. I'd be much abliged if ya'll could take me there," she said.

"Can do," said Bo. He stepped on the gas and The General started moving down the road again.

"So what brings a nice girl like you out at this time of night in this kind of weather?" asked Luke.

"I was just out for a walk," said Baby. "Then I kinda got caught in the storm. I'm glad you happened by, otherwise I'd have had to walk all the way back home in this."

There was a silence and Baby began to look around at the interior of The General Lee.

"I sure do like your car, boys," she said.

"Thanks. The General Lee is 'er name," Bo said, proudly. "Fastest car in all of Georgia."

"Maybe even the whole United States," added Luke.

"Georgia, huh?" said Baby in a mischievous sort of way. "Ya'll sure are a long way from home."

"We were down in Austin watching a race," said Luke.

"I don't see many houses out this way," said Bo. Truth be told he couldn't see much of anything outside in the blackness.

"It's just up here. You'll see the gate," said baby, pointing forward.

All of a sudden the back right tire of The General Lee blew out with a boom!

"Wooo," cried Baby, as the car jostled. She sounded like she was riding a carnival ride.

"Dagnabit!" said Bo. He pulled over to the side of the road and put the car into park. Bo and Luke turned to each other.

"Good thing we've got that spare in the trunk," said Luke.

"Yep," said Bo.

They just sat there looking at each other.

"Well, time's a-wastin'," said Luke, impatiently.

"You're already wet," said Bo.

"Which means it's your turn," said Luke.

Baby watched their back-and-forth with a bemused face.

The cousins stared at each other for a second and then at the same time began to play rock, paper, scissors. Bo threw rock, Luke threw paper.

"Damn," said Bo.

"If ya'll don't feel like changing a tire out in the rain, I can always run to my house real quick and have my brother, Rufus, come get ya with his tow truck. You can join me and my family for dinner while he fixes your wheel. He's real good with cars," said Baby.

"I appreciate, it ma'am," said Luke, "But we're pretty good with cars too. Bo will have it fixed in no time and I'd hate to inconvenience you and your family."

Baby looked slightly put out, but then she smiled and began to giggle.

"No inconvenience at all," she said. "There's Rufus right now in fact."

Bo and Luke looked ahead of them as headlights suddenly appeared coming towards them from a distance. In no time at all an old, beat up tow truck drove past them and went to The General's rear.

"Musta been out lookin' for me," said Baby. "Can't get any luckier than that, huh?"

Luke looked like he was about to make an objection, but Bo put his hand on his cousin's shoulder.

"It's fine, Luke, we'll go have dinner with this nice young lady and wait for the storm to pass," he said, then he turned back towards baby and gave her a wink. "I was starting to feel a might peckish anyway," he said.

Baby smiled and licked her pink lips.

"My family makes the best fried chicken around," she said, and giggled again.


	2. Chapter 2

It only took a matter of minutes before the tow truck entered through the gate of the Firefly property, hauling The General Lee with Bo, Luke, and Baby inside, behind it. Bo and Luke both looked up as they passed under the gate's archway and noticed a pig's head had been mounted on it.

"So, uh, your family run a farm?" Bo asked Baby.

"Not really," she replied from the backseat. "We just got a lot of land."

"Bo and me live on our Uncle Jesse's farm," said Luke.

Baby rolled her eyes, but the Duke boys couldn't see.

The tow truck continued to pull them for quite a distance after the gate until, finally, up ahead, the boys could see a weather-beaten old farmhouse silhouetted by a well-timed flash of lightning.

"Be it ever so humble, there's no place like home, eh, boys?" said Baby.

The Dukes didn't answer her. They just smiled and sat there while they were towed around to the side of the house and into a large barn that looked like their friend, Cooter's, mechanic shop back home on the inside. As soon as the truck stopped and lowered the front of The General to the ground, Luke and Bo climbed out through their windows and then Bo helped Baby out of his.

"Why, thank you. You sure are a gentleman," Baby said to him, flirtatiously, after her cowboy boots had hit the ground. "Hey, why don't y'all come on inside the house and I can get ya some hot chocolate to warm your bones?" she added, looking at Luke.

"Actually, I'd like to stay here and have a look at that tire," said Luke.

At that moment the driver's side door of the tow truck opened and a large, muscular man with long dark hair and stubble stepped out. He was wearing a plaid, flannel shirt with the sleeves torn off and a pair of ragged blue jeans with a chain that ran from his front pocket to his back pocket. He had a blank, unfathomable expression on his face.

"I'll fix yo tire," he grunted.

"Rufus will take real good care of it," said Baby.

Bo and Luke exchanged a look.

"Okay," said Luke, after a pause. "He can fix the tire while I give the rest of The General a once over."

Now Baby and Rufus exchanged a look.

"Suit yourself," said baby. "What about you, Bo, don't you want to come in with me?"

"Hell yeah," said Bo. Then to Luke he said, "See ya later, Cuz." He put his arm around Baby, who giggled, and the two of them waltzed out of the barn into the rain.

Luke turned to Rufus who was standing there giving him a blank stare.

"So... Rufus, is it?"

Rufus didn't respond.

"You a mechanic?" asked Luke.

Rufus just stared for a moment and then he quietly said, "Used to be."

Luke smiled with relief. "I think you and me will get along just fine then," he said.

By the time Bo and Baby had run across the yard and onto the front porch of the house they were both soaked.

"Wee doggies! Even a fish could drown in this," said Bo, as he tried to shake himself dry.

Baby laughed.

"I like the way you talk," she said, and stepped closer to him. "I'll bet you can do other things good with your mouth too, can't ya?"

Bo smiled. "I guess you'll just have to be the judge of that, won't you?" he said, and moved in to kiss her.

Just then, the front door swung open and an older lady with long, blonde hair and way too much makeup on stood there wearing an outfit that seemed to consist primarily of leather and feathers.

"Baby!," she screeched in a thick country accent, "You was sposed to be home hours ago." Then as soon as she regarded Bo her attitude softened. "Who's ya friend?" she asked in what was no doubt meant to be a sultry voice.

"Mama, this here's Bo Duke. He gave me a ride," said Baby, wrapping her arm around Bo's.

"Well then, invite the young man in," said Mama. "The two of you are wetter than a newborn calf. Let's get you some warm, dry clothes."

Bo and Baby stepped into the house passed Mama, who shut the door behind them.

"Mama, I'll attend to Bo," said Baby. "There's another Duke boy in the barn with Rufus who could use a change of clothes too. Why don't you go take care of him?"

Mama gave Bo a once over and then nodded.

"I suppose," she said, and walked off down a hall, leaving the two young people standing in the entryway.

Bo looked around himself at what he could see of the house. The walls were covered in bright, stained, orange wallpaper with framed pictures and animal heads hung randomly here and there.

"Nice house," said Bo.

"Let me show you my room," said Baby. "I got something in there that I'm sure you'll fit into once you get out of those wet clothes." She took Bo by the hand and began to lead him towards some stairs. He just grinned and went along with her.


	3. Chapter 3

"Quite a room you've got here," said Bo, after following Baby upstairs and into her bedroom. It was a small room with one dirty window that had pink, frilly curtains over it, and it was packed with all kinds of odd things. There were animal skeletons and deformed dolls on shelves and tables everywhere, a cluttered vanity against one wall surrounded by photos of old movie stars, and a large poster for the film Creature From The Black Lagoon that covered one whole wall near the door.

"It's the best room in the house," said Baby, as she took off her long, wet, brown coat. underneath she was wearing a wet, pink, halter top that clung to her obviously braless chest like semi-transparent tissue paper, along with a pair of cutoff jean shorts that were so short even Bo's cousin, Daisy, would have thought twice about wearing them. She threw the coat over an old wooden chair and walked over to a dresser where she pulled out a pair of men's denim overalls from one of the drawers. Then she turned to Bo.

"Strip!" she said. It was more of a demand than a suggestion.

Bo smiled and began to unbutton the yellow, western-style shirt he was wearing, revealing a blue t-shirt underneath. He took off the yellow shirt and dropped it on the floor. Baby twirled her finger indicating he should move faster. He smiled even bigger and pulled the soaking wet blue t-shirt off over his head.

"Looks like all that work on the farm paid off," said Baby, regarding Bo's lean, yet toned, tan body. "Now the jeans."

Bo chuckled. He had never met a girl this forward before back in Hazzard County. He bent down and tugged his cowboy boots off first and then unbuckled his big belt buckle. He pulled his jeans down and stepped out of them so that he was now just standing in front of Baby in nothing but his socks and underwear.

"Them too," said Baby, pointing at his briefs.

"Whatever you say, darlin'," said Bo with a laugh. He took off his socks first and then his briefs.

"This is my rodeo," said Baby. She advanced towards Bo, backing him up against her big brass bed.

"You like cars, right?" she said. "Well let me show you how well I drive stick."

With that she shoved him down hard on to the bed and jumped on top of him with a loud "Yahoo!"

Meanwhile, back in the barn, Luke had popped the hood of The General Lee and was checking the oil. Rufus was over at a work bench looking for something in the pile of tools he had there.

"So you said you used to be a mechanic?" said Luke, trying to break the awkward silence they'd been sharing.

"Yeah," grunted Rufus.

"What happened?" asked Luke.

Rufus stood still for a moment and looked like he was either annoyed or just thinking. Finally he said, "Had to quit."

"Mm hmm," said Luke. Getting conversation out of this guy was harder than getting a donkey to play piano.

Rufus suddenly turned around from the bench holding a tire iron and began to walk towards Luke.

"You got a jack?" Luke asked, looking around and not seeing one anywhere.

"Don't need one," said Rufus, and right at that moment the barn door farthest from The General slid open hard, and there in the rain stood the silhouette of a man who must have been at least ten feet tall. He stood there for a moment and then he shuffled into the barn with a limp and Luke could see that he was wearing a leather mask that covered most of his misshapen head and that his neck was bent at a grotesque angle giving him the appearance of a hunchback. He was wearing a dirty, white t-shirt with "Stupid Cupid" written on it in red letters and a pair of pants that appeared to have been custom-made from some kind of tent. The giant walked over to The General, bent down, and grabbed the right side of the car at the bottom with his huge, veiny hands and lifted it three feet off the ground without so much as a groan. Luke just looked at the creature and gulped.

"Uh... uh... who...?" he tried to say.

"That's my boy, Tiny," said a woman's voice from behind Luke. He turned around with a start to see Mama Firefly standing in the open barn door holding an umbrella in one hand and some clothes in another.

"Him and Rufus and Baby is all my children," she continued as she sauntered into the barn. Rufus began to unscrew the lugnuts on the back right tire of The General Lee, while Tiny continued to hold it in mid-air with no sign of discomfort.

"I know what yur thinkin'," said Mama as she approached Luke, "How could someone as young as me have three grown children. Well, I actually have four. Otis is out hunting at the moment but he'll be home soon."

"Ma'am," said Luke. He didn't know what else to say.

"You can call me, Mama," said Mama in a low, sexy voice. She handed Luke the clothes. He looked at them, a pair of grey workman's coveralls with brown stains all over them, and then back at Mama. "Thank you kindly, Ma'am, but I think I'll just stay in what I have on."

"But you're soaking wet," said Mama, gesturing at Luke's clothes. He was wearing a blue and black checkered shirt with a denim jacket over it and blue jeans with cowboy boots. All still wet.

"All the same, Ma'am, I'm fine," he said.

Mama Firefly gave him an irritated look, but then shrugged. "Whatever grabs your apple," she said. She walked past Luke and sat down on a stool nearby, crossing her legs at the knee as she did so. Luke briefly caught a glimpse of her undercarriage and saw, much to his chagrin, that Mama wasn't wearing any panties.

"You, uh, said your other son is out hunting?" said Luke, trying to think of something to talk to this woman about. "Isn't it kind of a bad night for that?"

"Not for the particular kind of prey that Otis is lookin' fer," she said, dropping her umbrella next to her. "You ever heard of a Skunk Ape..."

"Luke," said Luke.

"Luke," finished Mama.

"No, Ma'am, I don't believe I have," he said.

Rufus had gotten all the nuts out of the lugs and with one big yank, he pulled the tire off The General Lee. Mama began to clap moronically.

"Ain't my boys big and strong?" she said with pride.

"I guess that's how ya grow 'em here in... where exactly am I, if you don't mind me asking?" said Luke.

"Just outside Ruggsville, Texas," answered Mama. "Far off the beaten path."

There was something vaguely threatening about everything Mama said, and Luke was beginning to become uneasy here with her and the two bruisers next to him.

"Well," said Mama, hopping off the stool and grabbing her umbrella again, "Once you boys are done with that ol' tire, why don't you come on in and get some dinner. Grampa's almost done fryin' up the chicken."

She sashayed towards the barn door, brushing up against Luke as she went. She looked him right in the eyes and licked her lips. Luke could see her yellow, stained teeth beneath the heavy red lipstick she wore.

"Grampa's chicken is to die for," she said to him, and then she began to walk out of the barn, turning once more before she left to give Luke a wink, and then she disappeared into the rain.

Luke just stood there still holding the dirty coveralls she had given him, not really knowing what to think or say. He looked over at Mama's boys, one of whom was putting a new tire on The General and the other one who was holding it up.

"Lovely woman," said Luke, with a distasteful look on his face, like he had just eaten a lemon.

Neither brother acknowledged him.

Back up in Baby's room Bo's hands and feet were tied to the headboard and footboard of baby's bed respectively. He was buck naked and Baby was on top of him, riding him cowgirl style. She was primarily naked too, except for her straw hat and cowboy boots. Both her and Bo were glistening with sweat.

"Yee haw!" exclaimed Bo with delight.

Baby moaned and screamed and made noises like an animal. She was becoming wilder and wilder to the point where it began to scare Bo a little. Then suddenly she began to sing in a loud, screechy wail.

"I've written a letter to Daddy! His address is heaven above!"

Bo looked at her like she was crazy.

"I've written, dear Daddy, I miss you, and wish you were with us to love!"

"Oooh kay," said Bo.

Baby leaned down and grabbed a handful of Bo's thick, blonde hair and began tugging on it as she rode him harder.

Bo started to groan; half from pain and half from pleasure.

All of a sudden the door to baby's room flew open with a bang!

"What the hell!?" Bo ejaculated.

"Where's my goddamn catheter!?" shouted the little, hairy, old man who stood in the doorway.

Baby didn't so much as attempt to cover her bare breasts or even stop gyrating on Bo's crotch. She just looked at the old man and said, "Grampa, get the hell outta here, can't ya see I'm busy?"

"Why are people always touching my fuckin' things!?" shouted the old man. He grabbed the door by the handle. "And dinner's ready by the goddamn way." With that he left and slammed the door shut behind him.

Baby looked at Bo and he looked back at her. Neither said anything, they just continued with what they were doing. Bo was a little bit freaked out, though.


	4. Chapter 4

Fifteen minutes later Bo and Baby came down the stairs. She was wearing pajama bottoms and Bo's t-shirt and he was wearing the denim overalls she had given him with no shoes, socks, or shirt on underneath. Everyone else, including Luke, still in his original damp clothes, was seated around the dinner table in the dining room. Grandpa was at one end and Mama Firefly was at the other.

"Well it's about time y'all joined us," said Mama, as soon as Bo and Baby had approached the assemblage.

Tiny and Rufus sat on one side of the table, taking up the whole thing, so Bo and Baby sat on the other side next to Luke. When Bo saw Tiny he was taken aback by his odd appearance, but didn't say anything.

"What happened to you?" Luke whispered to Bo as soon as he was seated at his side. He noticed a few scratches on his cousin's bare chest.

"I was just... enjoying some good old fashioned hospitality, that's all," Bo whispered back, while rubbing his head.

"Well, the tire is fixed," said Luke. "We'll leave right after dinner."

"What did we run over?" Bo asked.

"A bullet." said Luke. He gave Bo a meaningful look and Bo gave him a confused one back.

"What are y'all whisperin' about over there?" said Baby from Bo's other side.

"Nothin'," said Bo. "Luke was just sayin' that the food smells mighty nice."

Spread out on the table in front of them were several bowls full of mashed potatoes, turnip greens, red beans with rice, and creamed corn, along with a large platter of fried chicken and a basket of corn bread.

"Well then, dig in," said Baby, doing just that herself.

"Granpa's chicken is the best around," said Mama.

"Yeah, used to get good money for it down at the chicken shack too, before that son-of-a-bitchin' clown stole my recipe," growled Grandpa.

"Clown, Sir?" asked Bo, as he piled some mashed potatoes onto his plate.

"Yeah, Captain Spaulding. Stole my business right out from under me back in the summer of 1970," said Grandpa.

"We met him," said Luke. "Seemed like a nice guy."

"Bullshit slinger is all he is," said Grandpa, angrily taking a big, sloppy bite from a drumstick. "Took my chicken shack and turned it into that dumbass tourist trap of his. I taught that sumabitch everything he knows and the ungrateful-"

He began to cough and choke.

"Now, Granpa, be careful," said Mama Firefly. "Remember your heart condition."

Tiny reached over with one of his mighty hands and pat Grandpa on the back, which sent him flying forward towards the table. He spit out a wet wad of chewed meat onto his plate and then composed himself. Bo and Luke looked at each other and then began to eat their food quietly.

"Oh! It's almost midnight," said Baby, suddenly. She was looking over at a large grandfather clock. She jumped up from her seat and ran from the room without another word.

"Now where's she goin'?" asked Mama. "She hardly touched them vittles."

"So where are you two boys from?" asked Grandpa, who had caught his breath. "What do you do?"

"We're from Hazzard County, Georgia, Sir," said Luke.

"And we, uh, fight the system," said Bo.

"Oh, we do a little bit of that ourselves from time to time," said Mama. She gave Luke her bedroom eyes. "I just love a man that ain't afraid to stick it to the po-leese," she said.

Luke just gave her a polite smile.

"So, was the chicken place your only business?" asked Bo.

"Well, Rufus' father, Rufus Senior, used to run a garage over in Ruggsville not too long ago," said Mama Firefly. "But after he died and left it to Rufus, well," she looked over at Rufus, who was stuffing cornbread into his mouth and didn't even seem aware that there were people around him, let alone people talking about him personally, "My baby just don't have the people skills to run a business is all," finished Mama. "But that's alright. We have a very lucrative source of revenue these days."

Just then there was a loud slamming noise from the front of the house, as if someone had just come in and shut the front door. Everyone at the table sat in silence as the sound of heavy footsteps made their way through the house towards the dining room. Bo and Luke looked at each other again, not knowing what to expect next. All of a sudden a man appeared in the entryway. He was unusually thin and pale with long, wet, scraggly, white hair that hung down from underneath a hunters cap. He was wearing an open, red and black checkered, flannel shirt with a dirty, grey wifebeater underneath and camo pants with large combat boots, which were covered in mud. In his left hand he held a double-barreled shotgun.

"What the hell's this?" he said, looking at the scene in front of him with his blood-shot eyes.

"Otis!" cried Mama. She stood up and went over and put her arm around him. "Y'all, this is my oldest boy, Otis." she said to the Dukes.

Bo and Luke nodded their heads at the man and said, "Howdy." Otis just gave them a sour look.

"You two Starsky and Hutch lookin' faggots the ones with the shitty orange car in the barn?" he asked.

Bo shot to his feet with indignance.

"You want to repeat that, friend?" he said.

Luke put his hand on his cousin's arm to stop him.

"Now Otis, you be nice," said Mama Firefly, rubbing Otis' back. "Why don't you go change and join us for dinner?"

"I ain't hungry. I'm pissed off," said Otis, raising his voice.

"Didn't catch nothin'?" asked Mama.

"Not a goddamn, fuckin' thing," said Otis.

"Ya ain't usin' the right bait," Grandpa chimed in with his mouth all full of mashed potatoes. "If'n you'd listen to me-"

"Why don't you shut the hell up, Hugo?" said Otis, pointing a boney finger at the old man.

"That's no way to talk to your grandfather," said Luke, angrily.

"This is a family affair," Otis said to Luke. "Best stay out of it, boy."

"Who you callin' boy?" asked Luke. This time he stood up too.

Otis laughed a humorless, mocking laugh.

"I saw on your license plate y'all are from Georgia, is that right?" he said. "Only two things I know come from Georgia are peaches and shitkickers. I hate both."

"I don't... even know what that means," said Bo. He looked at Luke, who gave him a shrug. "But I can tell them's is fightin' words," he continued, angrily.

Otis took a step towards the Dukes, but Mama held him back.

"Otis, you settle down, now, them boys is nice," she said. "One of them might even be your new future step daddy."

Luke screwed up his face, assuming she meant him. "Huh?" he said.

Just then, Baby returned, skipping into the room from behind Otis. She was carrying a small, pink box with a red ribbon tied around it. As soon as she entered the room, the grandfather clock struck midnight and began to chime.

"Perfect timing," said Baby. "It's officially midnight, which means it's Valentine's Day and here's a present for my new boyfriend." She handed the box to Bo.

"B-B-Boyfriend?" he stammered, with a worried expression on his face. He looked at the box and then at Baby's eager, expectant face. "Now just hold on one second," he said. He looked around and noticed that all eyes were on him, even Otis' angry, red ones. He gulped and then figured, what the hell, it wouldn't hurt just to open the box, so he set it down on the table and untied the ribbon. Then he slowly lifted the lid off and looked inside. What he saw horrified him. Inside was a severed, human heart, still covered in fresh, wet blood. He gagged and pushed the box away from him with repulsion.

"Well now, that's just rude," said Baby. She made a pouty face.

Bo just looked at her and the whole family in shock. Luke leaned over and looked in the box himself.

"What the...?" Luke said.

"What the hell is wrong with you people?" Bo finished for his cousin.

Everyone (except Tiny and Rufus, who weren't even paying much attention) began to laugh in a sadistic, deranged way.

"Imma kill 'em, Mama," Otis said, and aimed his gun at Luke.

"Aw, go ahead, I guess. They ain't family material anyway," she said.

Thinking quickly, Luke grabbed Bo's shoulders and dove to one side, pulling his cousin with him. Otis fired his shotgun at the same time, but instead of hitting either of the Duke boys as he intended, he got Grandpa square in the chest. Blood splattered all over the table as the old man fell forward with a surprised look on his face and a huge hole in his chest. Mama and Baby screamed and Tiny and Rufus both got to their feet. Bo and Luke figured this moment of chaos was as good a chance as any to make a break for it, so they both took off running in the direction of the front door.

"After them, you dumbass crackers!" Otis yelled at Tiny and Rufus. They both lumbered after the Dukes while Otis quickly reloaded his gun.

"Git 'im, Otis," said Baby. "They killed Granpa, and broke my heart."

"Yeah, mine too," said Mama. She took Baby in her arms and began to hug and console her daughter. Otis cocked the shotgun and turned to leave.

"Oh, I'll get 'em, don't you worry. They ain't gonna just fly away," he said, and then he took off after them too.

Bo and Luke had already made it through the house and out the front door when they realized Tiny was quickly gaining on them. As they jumped off the porch and into the rain, which hadn't let up even a little, they both looked back and saw the giant not twenty feet behind them, reaching forward with his huge hands like Frankenstein. They ran as fast as they could (which was pretty fast considering one of them was in cowboy boots and the other one was barefoot) all the way to the barn. Luckily the door to it had been left open, so they were able to reach The General Lee inside and slid through the car's windows with ease.

"The keys are gone," said Bo, after grabbing for them at the empty ignition.

"Got mine," said Luke. He reached into his jacket and pulled out his spare set. Bo took them and started The General. The engine purred like a contented house cat. Bo put the car in reverse and then slammed his foot onto the gas pedal. At that same moment Tiny had reached the barn's entrance, but even he was smart enough to get out of the way of an oncoming Dodge. He fell to one side as The General flew out of the barn backwards. When it hit the ground Bo jerked the wheel and the car easily did a hundred and eighty degree turn in the mud. Bo hit the gas again and The General shot forward.

"These folks are crazier than a shithouse rat," said Luke.

Rufus was running right at the car, so Bo swerved left to avoid him, just in time too, but unfortunately The General was now heading towards the house where Otis was standing on the porch pointing his gun at them. He fired and Bo swerved right. The gun blast blew the driver's side mirror off the car, but nothing else. Bo continued turning, but the car began to skid, so he turned the other way to get her steady again.

"Go straight, go straight," urged Luke.

Bo did just that. In the rearview mirror he could see Tiny coming after them like a giant gorilla and Otis off to the side in the rain reloading his shotgun. Bo floored it and sped in the direction of the front gates, he hoped. Meanwhile, back on the porch, Mama and Baby watched the chaos with glee.

"Hit um, Otis, hit um," they shouted.

"Don't worry, I locked the gate up good and tight. They ain't goin' nowhere," Otis called back to them.

In the heavy rain Bo and Luke could barely see where they were going, but they quickly made out the sight of the gate up ahead of them.

"Great, it's closed," said Bo.

"Look over there," said Luke, pointing.

Right in front of the gate just slightly off the main driveway was a conveniently placed mound of sloping dirt. Bo looked at Luke and Luke looked at Bo. They both smiled, as Bo aimed The General and put the pedal to the metal. They hit the ramp going eighty miles an hour and as they soared over the gate Bo pressed the car horn and the first twelve notes of "Dixie" rang through the stormy night air.

Tiny stopped dead in his tracks and all five Fireflies watched in awe as The General flew from their grasp and then sped down the road away from their home.

"What the fuck was that?" cried Mama.

"Should I get in the truck and go after them?" asked Rufus, as he came running up and joined the others near the house.

"No way in hell your old piece o' crap would catch that sucker," said Otis, pointing after the Dukes with his gun.

"But, Otis, they seen what goes on here," said Baby, worriedly.

"Yeah, and all I gots to say is they better keep their goddamn mouths shut about it too," said Otis. "Or else."

The End


	5. Coda

Coda

March 18, 1978

Near Ruggsville, Texas...

A shiny, white, 1970 Cadillac De Ville convertible with bull horns mounted on the hood pulled into a roadside gas station/tourist attraction called Captain Spaulding's Museum of Monsters and Madmen. The young man dressed like an Atlantic City cowboy that was chauffeuring it, got out of the car and began pumping gas into it. Meanwhile, the car's rich owner, a short, fat, sweaty man in a white three-piece suit and cowboy hat named Jefferson Davis Hogg, or Boss Hogg for short, stepped out of the back of the vehicle with a big cigar in his mouth. He'd been on his way from Hazzard County, Georgia to Austin, Texas to attend a landholders share meeting and hadn't had a chance to stretch his legs in hours. He looked around at his surroundings, squinting his eyes in the Texas sun. Then his eyes fell on the gaudy and theatrical decorations adorning the museum. There were signs and advertisements and clown imagery everywhere. He chuckled to himself.

"I'm goin' inside to get some air," he told his driver, and then did just that.

The inside of the museum was just as bizarre and cluttered as the outside. There were displays with sideshow attractions, medical equipment, horror masks, and framed news clippings about serial killers everywhere. Over to one side was a counter with a till on it and a large man behind it. The man wore white and blue clown makeup on his bearded face, but just a greasy, stained t-shirt on his body that said "Where's The Beef?".

"You the proprietor of this establishment?" asked Boss Hogg in his loud blustery way.

"Well I sure as shit ain't Burt Reynolds," said the clown, jovially. "Captain Spaulding's the name. Can I interest you and your boy in some tickets for my murder ride?"

"No, no, no," said Boss Hogg. "My name is Jefferson Davis Hogg. I'm in real estate... among other things."

"Always better than the fake kind," said Spaulding, with a filthy, yellow smile.

"Er, eh, heh heh," said Boss Hogg. "Right, well, I was just giving your set up here a once over and thinking, this is exactly the kind of place we need in Hazzard County to bring in the sucker, er, er, revenue. Ever thought about franchisin'?"

"Nope," said Spaulding, matter-of-factly.

Boss Hogg puffed on his stogie and then popped it out of his mouth. "Well you might, my friend. I could make you a terrific deal. For only forty percent interest in the brand name you and I could be partners and put a Captain Spaulding's in every town in America."

"Nope," said Spaulding again, in exactly the same way.

"But think of the merchandising," pleaded Boss Hogg. "T-shirts, action figures, Captain Spaulding Underoos."

Spaulding leaned over the counter till his grease paint face was right in Boss Hogg's fat, sweaty one.

"Not. In. Ter. Ested," he said with a growl. "Now, if you ain't gonna buy a ticket to my murder ride, why don't you just pay for your gas and then roll yo fat ass on out of here and go wee wee wee all the way home before I jump over this counter and put my boot all up in ya ass!"

Boss Hogg became flustered and his cigar fell right out of his mouth.

"Well, I never," he said indignantly. He handed the clown some money from his breast pocket, received his change, and then turned on the heels of his white boots and trotted out of the building in a huff.

Captain Spaulding just laughed after him. "Thank you, come again," he called, then added, "Hey, you forgot your complimentary fried chicken!"


End file.
